A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the
Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North
Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
'-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and
the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation
on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!