Sorry, Linda, if any of these are duplicates.
* "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." β Henry J. Tillman[1]
* "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." β Will Rogers[2][3]
* "She got her good looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon." β Groucho Marx
* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." β Groucho Marx
* "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." β Groucho Marx
* "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." β Groucho Marx
* "Take my wife, please." - Henny Youngman
* "I want to die like my father, quietly, in his sleepβnot screaming and terrified like his passengers." β Bob Monkhouse[4]
* "I haven't slept for ten days. Because that would be too long." β Mitch Hedberg
* "I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life." - Mitch Hedberg
* "You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." - Mitch Hedberg
* "I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks." - Emo Philips
* "When I was 10 I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage." - Emo Philips
* "Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist." - Emo Philips
* "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'" - Emo Philips
* "If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker." β Homer Simpson[5]
* "If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised." β Stephen Colbert[6]
* "Mark my words. No, Mark, I really need my words." β Stephen Colbert
* "If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised." β Dorothy Parker
* "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs." β Jack Handey
* "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." β Jack Handey
* "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." β Jack Handey
* "On the other hand, we have different fingers." β Jack Handey
* "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." β Jack Handey
* "Whenever you read a good book, itβs like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I donβt like to read good books." β Jack Handey
* "Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared." β Jack Handey
* "Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?" β Jack Handey
* "I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." β Jack Handey
* "I blew a speaker in my car the other day. Yeah, I think he was a... motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive." β Doug Stanhope
* "I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through" β Glenn Quagmire[7]
* "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else."β Winston Churchill
* "It has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those other forms that have been tried." β Winston Churchill
* "If you are going through hell, keep going." β Winston Churchill
* "I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong." β Abraham Simpson
Γ I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Γ Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Γ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Γ Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Γ The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Γ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Γ If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Γ We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Γ War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Γ Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Γ The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Γ Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Γ To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Γ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Γ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Γ Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Γ Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Γ I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Γ A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Γ Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Γ I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Γ Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Γ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Γ Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Γ Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Γ A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Γ You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Γ The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Γ Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Γ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Γ Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Γ Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Γ I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Γ Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Γ There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Γ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Γ I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Γ When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Γ You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Γ To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Γ Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Γ Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Γ A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Γ If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Γ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.